


Avoiding Stupid Deaths in the 41st Millenium

by erttheking



Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gallows Humor, Humans are morons, Humor, Let's laugh at them, Lists, Multi, Original Character(s), Satire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-12 12:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7934665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erttheking/pseuds/erttheking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A guardsman writes about his experiences in the grimdark future of the 41st Millennium and how stupidity still plagues mankind, usually resulting in death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is more of my work that I am moving over from FF.net. This one is more focused on dark humor than anything else

You've probably heard the various ways that you're going to die a horrible and vicious death from veteran guardsmen. How an Ork will gun you down, a cultist will do unspeakable things to your skull, a Necron will rip you apart atom by atom, a Carnifex will swallow you whole, the Eldar will fry you with their oh so superior minds, and the Dark Eldar will do whatever depraved things they can think of to you, etc etc etc. Sadly these are all true. However, the one thing people never seem to talk about in basic is all the STUPID ways you can die. Things that officers never expect their soldiers to do, and their soldiers turn out to be a huge disappointment. I have served since I could hold a rifle in the Imperial Guard, have been to planets all throughout the Imperium, and seen some Emperor-forsaken idiots who died painfully stupid deaths. I write this list in the hopes that a few less Guardsmen will die idiotic deaths this year. My hopes are not high.

1\. Grenades are for killing, not juggling: This sounds like something obvious but I swear to the Emperor every planet has at least one frakhead who thinks that he can stare death in the face and laugh. Death proceeds to laugh all the way to the Eye of Terror, dragging one idiot soul with him. Usually alcohol is involved. Just to make things worse, sometimes the people who die from this aren't the jugglers getting a taste of divine retribution. It reminds me of the one time a drunken Catachan tried to do it with a MELTA CHARGE! Long story short, I was on the opposite side of the mess hall, and I still spent half an hour crawling around on the ground trying to find out where the other half of my nose went.

2\. Do not overload your lasgun: You've probably heard stories about how guardsmen have overloaded their power cells and turned their lasguns into makeshift grenades. While I have seen this work firsthand, I have also seen it gone horribly wrong firsthand. The thing is, there's a reason we don't use makeshift grenades if we can help it. Regular grenades have a set time before going off, which is drilled into our heads during basic training. Lasguns are not designed to overload, and the time it takes for them to do so and explode could be anywhere from twenty seconds to one. Look, if you've got your backs against the wall and have nothing to lose, fair enough, but don't use it just to show off. If you don't get killed, you're gonna have to explain to an irate requisitions officer why you keep losing lasguns, and eventually you're gonna be fighting cultists with a stick.

3\. An officer's pipe is not meant for target practice, especially if he's still smoking it: Yeah, this actually happened. Needless to say shooting an officer's pipe constitutes as shooting at an officer, which counts as treason which is punishable by death. The officer in question had a really dark sense of humor though, so he made the guardsman in question smoke his pipe while he shot him through the pipe. Pretty messed up. Though it was kinda funny.

4\. Do not use Ork guns: Assuming you can pick up the thing (In which case I'm never arm wrestling you, because I could only hold up one of those things for five minutes tops. Long story, I had a bet.) don't actually take it along into combat. Really this should be common sense as Ork weapons aren't very well known for accuracy, but somehow when Humans use them they actually get worse. They jam, they misfire, and that's when they don't just fall apart in your hand. Not to mention it makes you a more appealing target because you have a "propa orky gun ta steel".

5\. Do not go to any base with anything even slightly related to Slaanesh: Look, I know servants of Slaanesh can be attractive (Sometimes) but even the most suicidal guardsmen knows better than to screw one. Less people know better than to snog or grope them, because that's all they need to get under your skin. If you count that one time, literally. What can I say, they're into weird stuff. Then again if you're stupid enough to actually WANT to be with one, you're probably ideal cultist material anyway, so nothing lost.

6\. Do not try to outsmart the Chaos gods: I don't care how smart you think you are, you will always get fucked by them in the end, literally if Slaanesh is involved. Any deal you try and strike with them will end up with you being trapped in a loophole, usually directly damaging the thing you were trying to protect. So no, you are not smart enough, stop being so narcissistic. The Traitor Primarchs thought that they were smart, look how well that turned out.

7\. The Tau are not your friends: This one I kinda understand. The Imperium can be a really though place to live in, I'm not gonna lie. And compared to every other race out there who wants to kill us on sight (or in some cases worse) I can see how they would be a fresh breath of air. Problem is that if you join the Tau empire you're gonna get your dick cut off or ovulary ripped out and be used as cannon fodder in a much smaller army with less people. Also all their talks about greater goods and their mech suits haven't done that much to stop that Tyranid hive fleet that's heading in their direction. So yeah, while the Tau have some potential as allies to the Imperium, joining up with them is pretty much hanging a dinner bell around your neck.

8\. Never tell a Kroot "Bite me": Kroots are pretty much jackasses through and through, something they seem to take pride in. Their entire sense of humor revolves around making people around them feeling as uncomfortable as possible, and there's that thing where they eat what they kill. So if you say "bite me" in the rare circumstance that you would find yourself working alongside a Kroot mercenary, he's gonna be a smart ass and be literal about it. And those beaks come down hard.

9\. Rebelling against the Imperium does not work. Ever: Ok look. Nine Space Marine Legions with trillions of supporters once rebelled against the Imperium, and they lost. You'd think after that people would realize that a fight against the Imperium isn't something you're gonna win, but for some reason people keep trying to rebel. Look, no one ever said living in the Imperium was a cake walk, but what exactly do you think rebelling with accomplish? At most, you can get a system independent from the Imperium. Good luck holding your own when you can't call on the Imperial Fleet to fight off the latest cosmic horror the galaxy throws at us. And that's if you actually win, and don't get killed by, say, a bolt round to the face from a Comissar, a bolt round to the face from an Astartes, a bolt round to the face from your superior officer, and if by some miracle you win, dying a slow and painful death from the virus bombs the Inquisition would drop on you. And Outreach used to actually be a nice place to live.

10\. Eldar are not your fuck buddies: Let's get something out of the way. The Eldar are the most insufferably arrogant people in the galaxy. And I've talked to Ultramarines that actually believed that spiritual liege garbage. As hot as Eldar women are, they're only one step above trying to sleep with cultists. I know a lot of people are talking about that LIIVI guy and how he got to bone a Faraseer, but let's be frank. That was a one in a trillion thing. Met a guy who said he got to screw an Eldar and surprise surprise, she put a bomb in him while he was sleeping. At least it beeped loudly so I got to run and scream "I told you so". This goes double for the Dark Eldar. At least with the Eldar you have a one in a trillion chance of ending up like LIIVI. You don't even have that with the Dark Eldar.

11\. Don't make fun of the Imperial Fists' name: They will actually do it. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. DON'T DO IT!

12\. Never talk about things that never happened around the Dark Angels: The Dark Angels are the most loyal Space Marine Chapter that ever existed, so they're well within their right to torture you to death if you ask them about things that clearly never happened…just roll with it.

13\. Don't go drinking with Space Wolves: This one won't necessarily kill you, but there's always that chance. They always bring the home-brewed stuff, and I actually got sent on a rescue mission to find a platoon that had gotten drunk and somehow gotten up into the mountains. They were all buck ass naked when we found them, and I'm still not sure how some of them managed to get their bodies the way that they were. Space Wolves brew strong stuff.

14\. Don't Steal a Comissar's Hat While he's Sleeping: Knew a bit of a joker once. Wore the hat all around camp, imitating the Comissar as he went. Everyone had a laugh. Sadly it turns out Comissars are pretty light sleepers. Not sure how he thought this was going to end, but I imagine being forced to charge an Ork horde wearing nothing but the hat wasn't on the list. I swear, high ranking officials in the Imperium all go to an ironic death seminar.

15\. Don't be a smart ass around an Orgyn. Orgyn are tough as hell shock troopers that will always cover your back with piss and vinegar, always right to fight for the Emperor. But bless them, they're kind of on the slow side and have troubles with metaphors. They're kind of like the Kroot, except more innocently clueless. Like this one time a guardsman from some mining colony in the middle of nowhere told an Orgyn "Shoot me now.". Full ripper gun clip, we had to clean the lady up with a bucket and a mop. Then again she was pretty cruel to just about everyone and I don't think the Orgyn liked her very much. I mean he insists he didn't hate her, but he DID get a medal for it that he seemed pretty proud of.…I think I may want to go back and double check what happened there with a friend or two.

16\. Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed's abilities are not as good as everyone says: Ok look. The good Lord is stationed on what is arguably the most dangerous front in the entire galaxy. He has stood up to the frakking Black Crusades and walked away from them alive. He is without a doubt a tactical genius and the Imperium would be lesser without him. But for the Emperor's sake, he can't hide tank behind a lamppost, he can't hide a platoon in Abaddon's bathroom, and he can't hide a Titan in a frakking bolted shell! What does this have to do with staying alive you might ask? Because maybe a certain author is tired of hearing about it and a certain author might edit the copy of his book for someone who comments about Creed's nonexistent god powers again. An edit that says that the truth of the Emperor's wishes are in a Grox's mouth.

17\. Do not screw around with Necrons; Necrons have got to be one of the most infuriating enemy to fight in the 41st millennium, as their technology stops just short of being able to warp reality on a whim. I fought a long hard campaign once, got skimmed by a gauss flyer, and that's why my foot is metal now. Eventually, we thought we had taken an armory back from the Necrons, had taken an entire squad firing non-stop just to bring one of them down. One of my squad mates was pretty angry at all the friends he had lost that day and he decide to piss on it. Thing is, Necrons have a self-repair protocol and…well…he survived at least. Bet he wishes he hadn't though. I mean I was being carried by our heavy weapons specialist, clutching my stump of a foot, and she said I looked pretty by comparison.

18\. Never accept anything food locals that you didn't see them prepare: Here's the thing about the Imperium, we're spread out over two million planets and some of those planets have been inhabited for 25,000 years. When a population lives on a planet that long, the countless generations tend to make them immune to little quirks that kill the rest of us. A saw a guardsman get a meat pie from a cook on some death world in the middle of nowhere, take one bite and died on the spot. It would've been tragic if she hadn't hunted an animal that the locals called the VENOMOUS DEATH KILLER six hours ago for that very same cook.

19\. Don't screw around with stray bolter shells: I get that the average citizen of the Imperium will never see a Space Marine, even at a distance, and that even fewer will see the weapons they use up close, but if you find a bolt round lying on the ground after a battle, don't assume that it's empty and for the love of the Emperor, don't whack it with a hammer. I swear, not a single person felt sorry for her, and I don't blame them.

20: Tech Priests are just as bad as the Ecclesiarchy: When people talk about religious fanaticals taking worship of the Emperor way too far and killing people over stupid reasons, they tend to point to the cone hats. While this is true, people tend to forget that the Tech Cult is still a religious organization that worships the Emperor, just in a different way. You not showing proper respect to their various bits of shiny metal tends to not sit will with them. I figured that out the hard way and I swear my eyes will never stop twitching.

That's all for now, maybe I'll write another chapter, probably won't though. Really if you need anymore advice after that, nothing I can do to help you.


	2. Chapter 2

21\. Take precautions when playing Gretchen ball: For those of you who don't know, Gretchen ball is becoming very popular in some regiments that are on the front lines with Orks. Capture a few Gretchen and use them as a kickball. Pretty fun game really. But you have GOT to take proper safety precautions and de-fang and claw the Gretchen. Because if every time I have to write on a form "Killed in single combat by a Gretchen outside of combat zone" I die a little inside.

22\. There are no such things as Squats: They never existed. (Roll with it)

23\. Do not mishandle plasma weapons: Plasma weapons are some of the best weapons we can get our hands on, but they must be handled with care. Contrary to popular belief, they rarely explode, only really doing so if they're damaged or if you keep firing them after they've already overheated. Though I'm hesitant to tell that to people because the second they hear that they run off and start blasting away without restraint. If they had stayed and listened for five more seconds, they would've learned that the exhaust from a plasma weapon venting heat can still melt your face off. I mean, she could have at least waited until she got her stupid ass killed so I could've gotten in another "I told you so."

24: Space Marine bolters are beyond your ability: See, people assume Space Marine bolters are the same bolters that the Imperial Guard sometimes uses. This couldn't be further from the truth, we get a rather stripped down version with a smaller caliber. Space Marines, being Space Marines, get a more powerful variant because they can handle it. I know this because one guy took a belter off of a dead Space Marine (And to any potential Inquisitors reading this, I had nothing to do with it) and took aim at some Orks in the distance. He had his nose right on the sights and…Emperor's Bowels, it took be a solid hour to get it out.

25: Do not copy the Death Korps of Krieg: See, unlike most people, I know for a fact that the Korps are trying to get themselves killed, and ironically they tend to die in less stupid ways than most of the people on this list. Still, they're pretty suicidal, they're the only regiment I ever saw attack a trench line with a bayonet charge. Credit where credit is due, they were batshit insane enough to actually make it work. Though it turns out my entire squad joined the charge without permission because they were so impressed by the bravery of the Korps. When I found the bodies I wanted to scream "They were TRYING to kill themselves, what's your excuse!?"

26: Tyranids cannot be domesticated: Yes, someone tried it. It ended about as well as you would think. You'd think that no one would be stupid enough to try it, considering that even the Inquisition has a hard time capturing Genestealers, but you always get that one dense person. Oh, why yes Corporal, you DID introduce me to Henry the Gaunt. What's that? He just ripped your throat out? Well, color me very UNSURPRISED! On a side note, if it isn't poisonous, Tyranid meat isn't that bad if you burn it to a crisp…what? We were low on food.

27\. Never try to use Necron tech: Look, I get it. Necron tech created some of the most stupidly powerful weapons in existence. I want in on that too. But trying to use it never freaking works. And if you try it, your brains will be on the ceiling, your large intestine all over the floor, and your gallbladder will be stuck in my good eye.

28: Rogue Traders are not dashing rogues: Ok that's not 100% true Rogue Traders are people just like the rest of us. Some of them ARE dashing rogues. But with the galaxy the way it is now, they're pricks like the majority of humanity. So while there's always a chance that while joining the crew of one results in you going on a voyage of adventure and romance, it's ten times more likely that you'll end up as an indentured servant giving the Trader 10 kisses on the ass each day because "Oh, you should've read the contract! I don't care if the ink was invisible or you signed it with a gun to your head!" Where does the death come in? Uh…let's say Rogue Traders can get impulsive when it comes to making long dangerous journeys and….rations run low.

29\. Space Hulks are Suicide Missions: People. Space Marine TERMINATORS go in there and don't come out. There are Genestealers, Orks, Chaos and who knows what else in there! I don't care how much ancient and valuable technology there is in there, all the riches in the world aren't worth shit if you're dead! And even then, if you're stupid enough to go in and drag me along, at least plan a little bit! I swear this is true, stupid friend of mine convinced(Read: blackmailed) me into going along with him. He got into the first room and then died in two seconds because the room was flooded with radiation and he had no protective gear.

30\. The Warp is DANGEROUS!: Yes people really are this clueless. You think you wouldn't have to tell someone to not stick their head out of a snip during Warp travel, but Private Dumbass wanted to impress his girlfriend and I had to spend ten minutes bashing in the face of whatever the hell he became with the butt of my rifle. Not gonna lie, might have gotten a little carried away there, I think he might have actually died in the first minute. Hey, most of these experiences are first hand, I needed to vent.

31\. Eating Kroot is ill-advised: We all like a bit of karmic justice. Out thinking the Eldar? Out gunning the Orks? These are situations that we live for. That being said, getting revenge on the Kroot who ate your buddy by eating him kinda backfires. Kroot absorb the DNA of every thing they eat, and they eat a lot of poisonous animals. Your vicious plans of revenge don't really go that well when you end up choking to death on your own vomit.

32\. Don't arm wrestle with Catachans: Not only are these people built like they fap for a living (I'm not sure that metaphor works for the women but SHUT IT) but they can pretty much turn the bones in your hand to powder. And if they somehow lose they tend to be piss poor sports and try and stab you. And that my children is why I only have one eye…Poor sport bitch.

33\. Don't be reckless with overcharged lasguns: Once most Guardsmen learn lasguns can be safely overcharged to get more stopping power, they want to do it all the time. NO! That pisses through ammo like you wouldn't believe, at best you can get twenty shots off before you run out, and you'd be surprised how fast you can fire twenty shots in a battle. So when the woman next to me has an enraged cultist foaming at the mouth charging at her with an axe, she essentially could only point her gun at him and go "Pew pew pew". And let me tell you, that cultist had one hell of a swinging arm. Think I still have the axe.

34\. No sex if a Nurgle cultist is in the same star system: For the most part this is unnecessary because one good look at a Nurgle cultist will probably turn you off sex for at least a good decade (Oh Emperor's Ballsack I didn't know a person could have boils there) but the thing is, Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile who loves to give everyone the clap (What the hell did you think all that talk of "Papa Nurgle" was about?) and he's brewed up a few hundred million variants of it. You'd think an airborne disease that lies dormant in the carrier for a year and then gets sexual transmitted is an absurd concept. Well I have a friend who had to cut his dick off to avoid being killed by one. We had to burn the thing in a fire sustained by sacred parchment with prayers written in every corner. And even then I still think we should've thrown a reliquary of a saint in there.

35: Never try to comprehend the plans of a Tzeench cultist. If Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile then Tzeench is a twat with insecurity issues the size of the Eye of Terror, because he always comes off like he has something to prove. As a result, his cultists make stupidly complex plans involving four betrayals, five inheritance schemes and seven acts of arson just to work in a place that has a nice view. Trying to figure out how the Hell their plans work will actually result in your brain ending up outside your skull (Don't ask. Someone tried to figure it out, same thing happened to him). And you kinda need that thing.

36: Know your limits: Look. Humanity kind of got the short end of the stick. Our technology isn't what it used to be, the Imperium is run by incompetent old men, and everything out their either has better technology, better biology, or both. Just know when to drop it, say "Fuck you General" and bolt. Contrary to popular belief, a Comissar is much easier to overwhelm than a whole Ork army. Thousands of idiots were going to die one a pointless suicide charge against Orks if one soldier didn't snap and stab the commissar to death with her bayonet. They all stared at her slack jawed going "Oh right, we out number his bolt shells 100 to one," while that lady was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and ripping his heart out to make sure he was dead. Anyway, that's how I met my wife.

37: Don't take Dark Eldar drugs: I don't want to go into this. I was young and stupid. People died and I woke up naked in a tree three days later. In the middle of a volcano. To this day I don't know what the hell happened. Not even once kids. Just smoke Lho-sticks. Oh the moral isn't to not do drugs, the moral is to not use XENO drugs. Because Dark Eldar drugs are made for insane fetishists that need to prove how sexually active they are. That and, you know, trigger happy Comissars exist.

38: Space Wolves Wolves are not big friendly doggies: I have only seen these things twice and they are VICIOUS KILLERS! They will rip your limbs off and chew your bones down to the marrow! So don't try and give them a great big chew toy, they've already decided that you will do. Every time someone tries it! And the Space Wolves just see it as them not having to feed their pets for a day, so don't look to them for help.

39: Frak the The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer: Really, just frak everything about that Emperor forsaken book. The second your commander isn't looking, burn your copy. I know what you're thinking. Isn't the Primer a galactic joke? Doesn't every guardsman worth their salt know how crap it is? Well hundreds of men and women new to the guard die each year following it's stupid advice. And even the more experienced soldiers sometimes die following the advice that SEEMS more reasonable. Like stabbing Orks multiple times in the throat to make sure that they're dead. Not a bad idea in concept, except melee range with an Ork is a place you want to avoid at all cost. And they don't mention what to do if the Ork tries to bury his axe in your bowels when you're on thrust #3.

40: Do not attempt to make an Eldar Farseer your sex slave: I just…why do I have to say this? Isn't it obvious? Doesn't it go against every rational instinct in the human body? Ok, first of all, you try to make anything your sex slave, you deal with me. I don't care how Grimdark this world we live in is, we are not the frakking Dark Eldar. We have STANDARDS! Second of all, a Farseer? Are you insane!? Those things shred veteran Space Marines to pieces, what makes you think you have a chance at surviving half a second? Third, no one would allow it, and anyone in charge of a captive Farseer wouldn't let anyone eager for a screw near it.

But this is irrelevant because WHY WOULD WE HAVE A FARSEER!? They are too dangerous to keep contained and even if we did find a way to flash-fuse three Blanks to her so that she doesn't murder an entire planet, you can bet your ass her entire craft world is going to show up to try and save her. And me fighting an entire army so you can get a fuck toy? Not happening, even if I wasn't disgusted by the concept. Let me know if it was worth getting the Avatar of Khaine set on you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: For those of you wondering what the hell I'm on about with the last one, check out EclipsePheniox's newest story, trapped. And have a pillow on standby so you can scream into it in frustration.
> 
> I'd like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, and Ryan Van Schaack for their amazing support.


	3. Chapter 3

41: Learn the differences between the Eldar: Eldar are complete and utter stuck up pricks…the Craftworld Eldar that is. The independent Corsairs are…well they're pricks too and the Dark Eldar…well they're also pricks-ok the end point is you can actually trust the Harlequins. These xenos dedicate their entire life to destroying Chaos, none of this "divert a WAAAAGH! into Human territory to save twelve Eldar" bullshit, so you can usually rely on them to keep their world if it'll result in dead cultists. So hey, fun times all around. We want dead cultists, they want dead cultists, good times. The thing is, a lot of people are (justifiably) paranoid about the Eldar in general and a few guardsmen who were with me tried to shoot at our temporary ally who wasn't going to betray us (For once). Let's just say he did some psyker crap so their shots kept missing him before he gutted them all on the spot. Then he said something about rising action. These guys will work with us but dear Emperor they're PRETENTIOUS!

42: Do not attempt to seduce an Ork. NO! JUST NO! Honestly, everything else I mentioned on this list involved sex takes second priority to an Ork (Minus the bit with the sex slave). Have you ever seen an Ork try to fist someone? I HAVE! HE USED A FRAKING POWER KLAW! AND THAT WAS JUST FOREPLAY!

43: Do not Underestimate minor Xenos: The big xenos power players in the Milky Way are Orks, Eldar of all kinds, Necrons, Tau and Tyranids. Despite this, there are easily thousands of smaller races throughout the galaxy, and when you're not fighting the usual suspects, you'll probably be sent off to exterminate one. And when its species is put at risk, the natives will fight tooth nail and tentacle to survive. So it doesn't matter if it's cute and adorable and fits in the palm of your hand, there's a good chance it'll try and rip your face off. Usually with their teeth. And it is not a pretty sight. So just kill it before the Tau can annex it.

44: Don't play "Hold er steady": Hold er steady is a new drinking game that involves people downing a beer, putting the bottle on their head and having a friend shoot it off with a stubber and then switching. Yes, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Thankfully the guardsman in this particular incident only lost a bit of his frontal lobe (I think) before I put a stop to it. Sure now he makes Ogyrn look like arechotech experts now, but it could've been a hell of a lot worse. The Administratum could give him a bionic replacement, but they said it wasn't worth the resources. I honestly found it hard to argue with them.

45: Avoid Love Triangles: I'd tell people to avoid this anyway, if only because love triangles are simply insufferable, but they can get people killed. There's always the members of the triangle trying to murder each other, but on the other hand there are lovesick idiots just have to drag others down with them. Like that time in the trenches where two guys and a girl were going at it while I was five feet away from them. I had a giant barbed spike sticking out of me and I was desperately trying to remember if the small and large intestines were named for length or diameter while they were bitching about whose dicks had been where.

46: Stop saying Feth: Feth is a spirit unique to Tanith. You know, planet fraked up by Chaos #9315? The survivors from that planet are few and far, so don't pretend you know what Feth means. And they are damn sensitive about their planet being destroyed and they WILL challenge you to a knife fight to the death if you don't pay it the respect it deserves. And I will do nothing when they slip around you and open your throat.

47: Beware Valhallan showers: I thought it was agreed that hypothermia was bad for you. Well, the Valhallans didn't get the memo. Astropath probably bollocked it up. Most people will run screaming from these showers because they feel like you just took a dip in arctic water. But some numb nuts will try and prove how tough they are by trying to stay underneath longer. I learned two things that day. Valhallan showers are co-ed, and that these showers can actually kill you. Somehow it doesn't kill the Valhallans, but those nuts actually find it pleasant.

48: Be careful when laying with fellow guardsmen: Look, I'm married. I understand the urge to seek comfort in the arms of another. But here's the thing. Commissars…REALLY don't like playing babysitter. They don't want anyone in the regiment unless they can hold a rifle and we haven't quite figured out how to weaponize babies in a way that wouldn't turn us into the Orks. Commissars already have too much stuff to stamp out, don't have them cracking down on sex too. Because they do it with those Emperor forsaken bolt pistols of theirs. The moral is, do it in the ass.

49: Autoguns were replaced by lasguns for a reason: I know there are still plenty solid projectile weapons circulating through the Imperium, especially on poorer planets, but we replace them with the trusty lasgun when we can for a reason. Twice as much ammo capacity, easier to maintain, power packs can be recharged at any Chimera and even on a fire (Highly dangerous though, last resort only) and they can be overcharged in a pinch. So while you should most certainly use an autogun if there aren't any lasguns in the area and you desperately need a weapon, we've been trained in the use of lasguns and most of us don't know how to use and maintain them properly. This is what caused my jaw to drop when one dumbass from another platoon got a stovepipe jam, one of the most basic jams to clear, and he honestly thought the gun was broken and started using it as a club. It says a lot when the Ork that killed him managed to figure out how to clear it in only half a minute.

50: Do not drive vehicles unless you are trained: Tech Priests weird me out (And I'm hardly alone on this) but there's no getting around the fact that they know their crap when it comes to designing vehicles and discovering failings. Despite this, a team of three was utterly flabbergasted when an idiot took a Leman Russ for a joy ride on a dare. He was inside, so I don't know how many times the thing had to flip in order to get him out and stuck in the treads long enough to grind him to a paste like that, and neither did the tech priests.

51: Don't drink on the job: I know alcohol is good for making you forget how much life sucks, and in the trenches that's where you need it the most, but the next think you know your foot is in my lap and you can't quite remember how it got there. And let me tell you, this one happens a lot! There was an arm, and eye, a foot, a body part that caused my wife to make an extremely dark joke, and even a spine. Hell, a few more times and I can assemble an entire human body from the parts I've gotten.

52: Always be alert if the planet you're on contains an enemy force: You know the old phrase "Out of sight, out of mind?" I wonder how many lives that mentality has claimed, because it sure as hell isn't a low number. I learned first hand that if an enemy army is still on a planet, you don't spend your time there partying, no mater how far away you are from the front, because we live in an era were advances can be very fast and very brutal. As my current base filled with partying soldiers found out in a horrific and brutal way. I don't know what was more traumatizing. Hiding at the bottom of a pile of corpses, clutching my wife's hand and hoping we would both get out of this alive, or watching Orks try to figure out the inner workings of a toga party.

53: Don't be too proud to accept help from the Ultramarines: I know. I KNOW! They're utterly infuriating stuck up pricks. Is is bullshit that they're responsible for the most damage done to two of the three hive fleets, that they have the most successor chapters, and that their Chapter Master killed a fragment of a god with his bare hands? Yes it is, it's the most infuriating band of twats I've ever heard of, but we should still use this to our advantage. In a galaxy where everything wants to fuck us, sometimes literally, we need every asset we can get. So I want Marneus Calgar at my side. I'm still going to talk shit about him the second he's out of earshot, but I'm smart enough to know I'm more likely to survive hiding behind him when a Daemon is trying to eat me.

54: Disregard 53 if the Ultramarine in question is Cato Sicarius: Forget everything I said if Cato Sicarius is involved. You think the standard Ultramarine has an ego the size of a small moon? Well they do, but Cato Sicarius has an even bigger one, and it tends to manifests in ways that are a lot more destructive (Not to him, but to the poor sons of bitches around him. Namely us). I was on the other end the system where this happened, but when we were clearing out a Chaos infestation, Sicarius got hundreds of thousands of men killed. The Ultramarine 2nd company was supposed to secure the flank of the main army, but he led them running off to go fight some warlord. Because he insulted his honor or something (Probably just insulted that stupid ass thing he calls a helmet) and so he had to go prove his worth while the plebeians all died. So yeah. If he's around, don't count on him for help.

55: Don't pick a fight with the Administranum. You will lose: The Administranum is like a train wreck that just keeps going, everyone knows this. We've all been waiting to get a delivery of munitions and food and get something we didn't need/want. The weirdest thing I ever got was a bag of used diapers, my wife a couple of Tau bladders and some kid who transferred into our unit actually got delivered the preserved corpse of a saint. Wonder how many people got fired (Out of an airlock) for that one. Despite this, fighting with them to get what you want is an exercise in futility. People have actually died from starvation and thirst in the waiting line to make an appointment, it's so long and they're so incompetent it takes forever for them to process someone. Still, it wasn't all bad. I got to go next after that.

56: Try to not antagonize the other people in your unit: We're kinda tiny and scrawny compared to everything else out there, that's why there are trillions of us fighting the good fight all over the Imperium, to even things out with raw numbers. The problem is that this advantage doesn't really work if you burn bridges and alienate the people you're supposed to rely on. For example, if you lose a game of poker, don't throw a tantrum and pull a gun on her, she might snap your wrist. And when you have a broken hand and you're end out to fight anyway, the husband of the woman you threatened might not feel like helping you and might instead just use the time to write his book while a Hormagaunt turns you into its new chew toy. Thanks for the entry by the way. Fucker.

57: Store your weapon properly: Keeping number 52 in mind, I appreciate that some people want to keep their weapons close by in case of an enemy attack, but there's smart ways to do it. Don't just put them somewhere where they can go off and kill you. The old under the pillow thing is great way to accident;y set it off. Let me tell you, years before I was married, a good looking corporal coaxed me into her bed. She was buck naked, was looking down at where I was laying leapt onto the bed…and set off the laspistol under her pillow, blowing her brains out. I was sexually withdrawn for YEARS after that!

58: Remember where you buried the mines: Ok seriously people? This is extremely basic. Mine go boom. Boom hurt. We not want hurt. Therefore, we no step on mine. Bad people go boom. Not us. So when someone puts the sign about the minefield up and it's FACING THE WRONG WAY people tend to get a little confused about where Steve went and why it suddenly started raining blood and bits of organ and the shavings created by my teeth grinding together.

59: Practice trigger discipline: You know those trigger things we have on our guns? We pull them when we're pointing them at people we don't like and that's all. Our fingers stay away from those triggers unless we're doing that or are about to do that. It's annoying enough when people can't just keep their fingers where they belong and blow a couple of holes in the roof, but when I'm just trying to eat, I'd prefer if I didn't have to deal with the guy next to me leaning over to the side and smashing into my plate because it turns out he has a hole in his head.

60: Don't get caught with this book: This is a recent affair, but with the Imperium's zero tolerance policy against common sense, people who possess this book are ordered to be executed. Don't worry, there's an easy way around it. Before you burn your copy of the primer uplifter, take the cover out and put it on this book. In fact there's a fun game you can play with this. Give this book like this to an officer who's an ass hat before shouting "Heretic!" and running away. Karma coming full circle.


End file.
